Space Force Admits Most Satellite Uplink Time Spent Arguing on Reddit

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO — In what’s being described as a “gross misallocation of orbital resources” and a “deeply committed act of nerd warfare,” the United States Space Force has confirmed that a high-priority communications battalion spent nearly 87% of its satellite uplink bandwidth not on actual space operations, but on arguing about The Expanse on Reddit.

According to internal audit reports leaked over the weekend, the unit, known only as 3rd Orbital Communications Squadron (OCS), was supposed to be responsible for maintaining uplink protocols and satellite comm integrity across multiple global theaters. Instead, analysts found an encrypted channel labeled “OPERATION: BELTER TRUTH” containing tens of thousands of comments, memes, fan theories, and a 17-slide PowerPoint presentation titled “Why Amos Burton Would Absolutely Curb-Stomp Master Chief.”

The command timeline shows that between February and May, no maintenance packets were sent, no satellites were pinged, and no operational logs were updated. What was updated, however, was an internal Reddit-like forum where top operators, all with TS/SCI clearance, had devolved into a prolonged and increasingly hostile debate over sci-fi weapon physics.

“It started with a casual post about railguns,” said one anonymous whistleblower. “Then someone said The Expanse got it wrong. And everything just… spiraled.”

Topics included:
• Whether G-force deceleration in a Rocinante-class ship would liquefy an unbraced crew
• If Belter creole would logically evolve in just 200 years
• Why “gravity drives” are scientifically insulting
• And whether or not Captain Picard could be classified as a war criminal under Martian law

The debate reached its peak when one operator, posting under the handle @VoidDaddy420, uploaded a video lecture comparing The Expanse, Battlestar Galactica, and Halo using an actual mission planning whiteboard. The video was 47 minutes long and featured three different accents.

Brigadier General Michael Calhoun, head of Space Operations Command, issued a statement Monday:

“We understand and respect the passion of our airmen. However, using top-secret uplink nodes to moderate subreddit flame wars about fictional interplanetary governments is not aligned with our mission objectives.”

When pressed further, Calhoun added, “And for the record, railguns would work in space, but not like that.”

Multiple operators have been placed on temporary suspension while the investigation continues. The squadron has been reassigned to mandatory sci-fi sensitivity training, during which they will be required to watch Armageddon and Independence Day “without offering corrections or commentary.”

Since the incident, the subreddit r/TheExpanseWasRight has seen a spike in new users believed to be Space Force personnel using VPNs. The original “Belter Truth” thread has been archived, printed, and reportedly posted in the squadron’s dayroom next to a whiteboard titled: “Mission Kill Count: 0 | Debate Wins: 63.”

Meanwhile, public confidence in Space Force has plummeted after it was revealed that no satellites were serviced during the entire quarter, and one weather satellite accidentally began broadcasting Firefly reruns with commentary.

While no national security breaches occurred, the episode has raised serious questions about the blending of military-grade technology and Reddit-tier obsession. When asked if disciplinary action would be permanent, a spokesperson simply replied:

“They’re being transferred to the Lunar Detachment. Let them argue from there.”

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This After Action Review has been marked UNVERIFIED and may contain fabricated intel, non-attributional quotes, and unauthorized disclosures.

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